We used to be so inseparable. Now we are just two people who are close to maybe acquaintances. I desperately longed to be looked at when we first met. I loved catching him steal longing gazes at me, going out of his way to do anything possible just to make me happy and mostly just being in his company. The intensity of the relationship has died and I think his love for me died along with it. I miss him. I miss how he held me until I fell asleep. I wish how when I asked for him to rub my back he did it without complaints. I miss that when I cried and tried to hide it from him he knew something was wrong and he’d come to my side and wipe away my tears and reassure me everything is alright. I miss him reminding me to take my medication because I have a helpless hopeless memory and skip all the time. I miss him slapping my hand away from my mouth when I start biting my cuticles. I miss him telling me “I love you” at least once every hour.
He claims he is sick, that his stomach isn’t feeling well, but could this hold someone back from not texting “goodnight”. I’m ready to give up all hope and I have that “twisted stomach” and “choking” feeling you read in books when a character is in misery, excruciating pain and agony. I know things are going downhill and he denies them. I feel lost and empty inside. Please, if there is a God, please just make me strong and reassure me this is just something we’ll deal with and that it isn’t a dead end. I want “normalcy” again.
January 9th:
cleaned the kitchen to it’s neatest. That was it. Watched some LOST and got to season 3 episode 20.
January 10th:
Watched LOST all day and now am on Season 4 episode 5. That was the highlight and main thing I did all day.
I really hope that I get my car fixed soon. This is a short blog but really there is little to nothing to say. :/ Hopefully tomorrow brings something new.
January 8th
Hello there. It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. No makeup or paintings. Just this.
On January 7th, yesterday, I didn’t do anything except sleep in. A lot. Later I went hiking in the woods behind Alex’s house with his little sister Jenna. It was beautiful outside. In the 60’s. By the end of the day I logged into my facebook and saw my friend Katie got her license. We had a conversation later that night. Here are slivers of our convo about my car, that of being something wrong with it: I want to get it to this one shop so I my get Alex’s family discount but I hear he is booked. I know but I need my car. Like you may not understand it but just having it and able to drive I feel is my only thing I have that makes me feel independent and free. Without it I feel stranded like my mother. I hate that feeling. no matter how much of a financial burden it is and no matter how much of a pain in the ass of stress it has caused me it’s the only thing I have that, I don’t even know the words to that defines my limits. Which is that I have no limits. that im not stuck in some hole left. I can just take my car and drive to a place and just cry there. That I can escape when I visit my mother that I have to kiss ass to just to get my financial aid for my school. By near the end of the night I went to my room, took my meds I forgot to take the day before and cried. I cried because I just felt empty. I miss having that routine of being in school and looking forward to something. Having a purpose I suppose is what I’m thinking.
On January 8th, that is today, I applied to some jobs. beth tfiloh, Camp milldale, timber ridge camp, then this one overnight camp in PA that Lisa sent me a link for. I had to print out the application but the printer ran out of ink by the time I could get to my resume and print that out as well. Tomorrow I’m going to apply to more jobs. Today was also the burden of bad news for Alex. He received a letter saying he was on academic probation. Seems like Mike and I aren’t the only ones who are suffering from being an RA and can’t take the work load of being not only a student but having to deal with college babysitting. It’s really hard! Seems to me like we may not move off of campus after all, but I’m not too bummed about it. I wanted to wait a little while later anyways to keep going the college experience. Bleh.
Today I also finished my book “The Notebook” by Nicholas Sparks. It was so sweet, I just had to watch the movie. It made me ball my eyes and it was so sweet and special! Here are a few of my fav quotes:
-“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. ”
-“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life”
-We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.”
-“Who am I? And how I wonder, will this story end? …
My life? It is’nt easy to explain. It has not been the rip-roaring spectacular I fancied it woulf be, but neither have I burrowed around with the gophers. i suppose it has most resembled a bluechip stock: fairly stable, more ups and downs, and gradually tending over time. A good buy, a lucky buy, and I’ve learned that not everyone can say this about his life. But do not be misled. I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am common man with common thought and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.
-“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”
That is all as far as quotes but they are snip-it’s of what I have thought to be sweet and honest. Terribly sad and yet beyond beautiful. Right now I am currently on Season 3 episode 9 of LOST. I hadn’t watched any LOST yesterday nor today but once I am done with today’s blog I may watch an episode or two. Tomorrow I may apply to more jobs and then perhaps watch some more.
January 5th
No makeup that day. No nothing really. I just laid back and watched the TV show “LOST” that I’d neglected last semester because I was too busy as an RA to do much of anything else. By the end of the day I had a headache and didn’t feel like doing much of anything for the rest of the night. So I didn’t.
January 6th
I watched a few more episodes of LOST. I also can’t find my other two packets of BC so I called Frostburg pharma care and they could fax it over to rite aid. The thing is, the one I am on doesn’t come in generic form and my insurance, as most insurances would, only covers a few months in a row until they stop helping you pay. In result, I’d be paying $88.35 for one packet of Ortho Tri Cyclin. The whole point in taking this is to keep me on track. Ever since I started taking it I’ve never had extreme symptoms of that time of the month that all women hate. Guess I’m going a month without it. I’ll tough it through. I will get back on it when I’m in Frostburg, where I probably left the damn things in the first place.
The makeup I did:
Rainbow eyes. As my boyfriend commented, I look like a peacock.
Next, I have a brown and white look I like to call “Swan”. I messed up on the liner majorly but it’s whatever. My focus was on the shadows anyways.
A watercolor painting I did of my boyfriend and I:
Last is a picture I did in water color of an angel. It was a photograph originally off of deviantart I got a while back and I wish I could give credit to that person but unfortunately I didn’t save the persons ID. Oh well not like I’m gonna publish it or anything. Here it is:
Those were the highlights of my day. Cramps, my show lost, a comment on my status about the weather from my mother and my boyfriend being the best calm company I could ever ask for. <3
January 3rd
Makeup: I used the cut the cake look that came with the palette I’ve been using.
I wish I had a better camera. I either don’t use the flash and everything is yellow from the room light or I use the flash and it is like WHOA in yo face. But it will have to do for now.
Today was a day of sleep. Last night I stayed up late reading “The Notebook” by: Nicholas sparks on my kindle. I woke up, cleaned the kitchen and took a shower. 2 bowls of Life cereal and a p b&J. Peoples facebook statuses all read snow and I guess I missed it cause there is not even a dusting here in Baltimore.
I want to make plans for the rest of my break. 2 weeks and 4 days. Things I’d like to get done before then.
-figure out my book/supply list for all my classes
-Get the screeching of my car looked at
-Take Alex to the MVA to get his renewal of a permit
-apply to as many summer camps and resorts as I can find
-continue to work on my art stuff. I’m gonna be so blown when I have to return Katie’s watercolors. I <3 them. 
Jan 22nd res halls open 9am
Jan 25th classes begin
My current yummy treat as I write this:
Me:
Don’t mind my bangs I’m trying my best to grow them out and pin them back.
My boyfriend being shy: 
Make up 2012
The palette I used for the first two days of the year: http://www.glamourwonderland.com/2011/11/too-faced-holiday-2011-sweet-dreams.html
Jan 1st: I used Too Faced Holiday 2011 Sweet Dreams Makeup palette with Urban decay Liner and my “The Balm” illuminate powder and blush. My friend Katie told me I use one or the other because they both give a defying glow look and I don’t want to look over done. Lovey Dovey, Teddy bear and peach fuzz were the neutrals I used. Teddy bear I think is more of a color used for the eye brows I find but it is definitely a good matte.
Jan 2nd: I had a hard time. I’m trying to use makeup every day now just to get better at it and I noticed one thing…I suck at it when I’m only doing it from the light of the overhead room light. I need a makeup mirror or something. Haha. So note to self and anyone who reads this, a lamp and mirror that is close up might help. I just used the mirror on the palette. I just wanted to throw on some make up cause I’m not going out anywhere. So on with it. I again used Too Faced Holiday 2011 Sweet Dreams Makeup palette with Urban decay Liner and my “The Balm” illuminate powder. I used the “label whore” color which is this dual color purple shine with blue ish green. Then I used “Cut the cake” color which is this light purple. I messed up but at least I can say I tried. Peach fuzz color I used for the brow bone and a highlight color to blend with. If anyone knows of any color to use with label whore, which is an amazing color I might add, please give me a heads up. Well, besides the look that it comes with in the color look cards.
January first 2012. Gosh, it’s going to take me forever to get used to saying it 2012 instead of 2011. Yesterday, since I’m writing this today was a day I got to spend with Katie and Alex. Alex’s little sister, mother, and father were there but they really weren’t in the same room. Katie and I painted with her water color. I’m hoping to practice my painting and such as well as my makeup this coming year. I know I’m very immature at it but the only way to get better is by practice right? I let Alex sleep in yesterday as well instead of jumping on him and waking him up. Katie and I felt pretty blah until I picked up her boyfriend Mike. He stayed a few hours and I listened to music while taking off my million pictures off facebook and transferred them to photobucket until we finally decided to play Phase 10. Katie won! Wootwoot! I took Mike home and then went to bed shortly after that. Happy new years everyone!
Painting I did Jan 1st: 
sailor something or another. lol
Today, January 2nd, I took Katie to the Penn Train station on North Charles Street. Well, kind of. We went to dunkin donuts and my car was making this loud screeching noise and Lisa, Alex’s mother showed up and told me to leave my car there until we came back after we went to drop Katie off. I napped a few hours when we got back and today I painted a few more water color pictures. Ate dinner and now I’m blogging and playing facebook apps. I officially quit Farmville and Cityville. I still occasionally play Mall world, coco world and words with friends. Oh yeah, and tetris. But hopefully I’ll stay too busy to do those.
My painted pictures today: 
I got a call from dad and returned it. Apparently he tried calling me yesterday and it had to do with his ex-girlfriend Frita who I texted happy new years to and she told me not to text her anymore. I wasn’t offended. I heard Jan 1st that my mother isn’t going to be doing the class she wanted to so she could get her CDL to drive trucks. I guess she’ll have no other choice BUT to get a job. A few things noted that happened at the end of 2011: -Katie had an AMAZING xmas party where I got spoiled with a whole bunch of makeup and perfume by Clinique and harajuku. –mom abandoned me, alex, jenna, and Dalton (my little bro) for sharon and we stayed at the house all xmas day worried about her. –dad and gpa came down to visit for the day and to try to hunt down my aunt and mother but to no prevail could they hunt her down so they left at the end of the day. –my dad is currently in the process of moving out of his apartment and going to move into a house of his own. That’s all for now folks! Until next time if I keep this up! :D
199: I was born in:
198: I am really:
197: My cell phone company is:
196: My eye color is:
195: My shoe size is:
194: My ring size is:
193: My height is:
192: I am allergic to:
191: My 1st car was:
190: My 1st job was:
189: Last book you read:
188: My bed is:
187: My pet:
186: My best friend:
185: My favorite shampoo is:
184: AIM name:
183: Piggy Banks are:
182: In my pockets:
181: On my calendar:
180: Marriage is:
179: Sponge Bob can:
178: My mom:
177: The last three cd's I bought were:
176: Last YouTube video watched:
175: How many cousins do you have?
174: Do you have any siblings:
173: Are your parents divorced:
172: Are you taller than your mom?
171: Do you play an instrument?
170: What did you do yesterday:
I Believe In:
169: Love at first sight:
168: Luck:
167: Fate:
166: Yourself:
165: Aliens:
164: Heaven:
163: Hell:
162: God:
161: Horoscopes:
160: Soul mates:
159: Ghosts:
158: Gay Marriage:
157: War:
156: Orbs:
155: Magic:
Which is Better
154: Hugs or Kisses:
153: Drunk or High:
152: Phone or Online:
151: Red heads or Black haired:
150: Blondes or Brunettes:
149: Hot or cold:
148: Summer or winter:
147: Autumn or Spring:
146: Chocolate or vanilla:
145: Night or Day:
144: Oranges or Apples:
143: Curly or Straight hair:
142: McDonalds or Burger King:
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:
140: Mac or PC:
139: Flip flops or high heals:
138: Ugly and rich OR Sexy and poor:
137: Coke or Pepsi:
136: Hillary or Obama:
135: Burried or cremated:
134: Singing or Dancing:
133: Coach or Chanel:
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:
131: Small town or Big city:
130: Wal-Mart or Target:
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:
128: Manicure or Pedicure:
127: East Coast or West Coast:
126: Your Birthday or Christmas:
125: Chocolate or Flowers:
124: Disney or Six Flags:
123: Yankees or Red Sox:
Here's What I Think About
122: War:
121: George Bush:
120: Gay Marriage:
119: The presidential election:
118: Abortion:
117: MySpace:
116: Reality TV:
115: Parents:
114: Back stabbers:
113: Ebay:
112: Sex:
111: Work:
110: My Neighbors:
109: Gas Prices:
108: Designer Clothes:
107: College:
106: Sports:
105: My family:
104: The future:
Last time I
103: Hugged someone:
102: Last time you ate:
101: Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile:
100: Cried in front of someone:
99: Went to a movie theater:
98: Took a vacation:
97: Swam in a pool:
96: Changed a diaper:
95: Got my nails done:
94: Went to a wedding:
93: Broke a bone:
92: Got a peircing:
91: Broke the law:
90: Texted:
MISC
89: Who makes you laugh the most:
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:
87: The last movie I saw:
86: The thing that I'm looking forward to the most:
85: The thing im not looking forward to:
84: People call me:
83: The most difficult thing to do is:
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:
81: My zodiac sign is:
80: The first person i talked to today was:
79: First time you had a crush:
78: The one person who i can't hide things from:
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:
76: Right now I am talking to:
75: What are you going to do when you grow up:
74: I have/will get a job:
73: Tomorrow:
72: Today:
71: Next Summer:
70: Next Weekend:
69: I have these pets:
68: The worst sound in the world:
67: The person that makes me cry the most is:
66: People that make you happy:
65: Last time I cried:
64: My friends are:
63: My computer is:
62: My School:
61: My Car:
60: I lose all respect for people who:
59: The movie I cried at was:
58: Your hair color is:
57: TV shows you watch:
56: Favorite web site:
55: Your dream vacation:
54: The worst pain I was ever in was:
53: How do you like your steak cooked:
52: My room is:
51: My favorite celebrity is:
50: Where would you like to be:
49: Do you want children:
48: Ever been in love:
47: Whos your best friend:
46: More guy friends or girl friends:
45: One thing that makes you feel great is:
44: One person that you wish you could see right now:
43: Do you have a 5 year plan:
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:
41: Have you pre-named your children:
40: Last person I got mad at:
39: I would like to move to:
38: I wish I was a professional:
My Favorites
37: Candy:
36: Vehicle:
35: President:
34: State visited:
33: Cell Phone Provider:
32: Athlete:
31: Actor:
30: Actress:
29: Singer:
28: Band:
27: Clothing Store:
26: Grocery Store:
25: TV show:
24: Movie:
23: Website:
22: Animal:
21: Theme Park:
20: Holiday:
19: Sport to watch:
18: Sport to play:
17: Magazine:
16: Book:
15: Day of the week:
14: Beach:
13: Concert Attended:
12: Thing to cook:
11: Food:
10: Restaurant:
9: Radio Station:
8: Yankee Candle scent:
7: Perfume:
6: Flower:
5: Color:
4: Talk Show host:
3: Comedian:
2: Dog Breed:
1: Would you be able to delete your blog?
